So… I’m having a bit of a hard time lately and feeling like everything I want to accomplish is too much.
Okay so I have been trying to get all my ducks lined up to start school to become an Occupational Therapist Assistant (OTA for short). I’ve always believed that if something is meant to be, making it happen will be so easy. And that’s how this journey started off. I went in to talk to the student adviser and I loved his personality, I loved the campus, and he made it sound like it was going to be so easy to get me started in March ’18. He said over and over “This is all on you. You’ll never be waiting on me”. I got all my paperwork done w/in a week, tops, except for my eight hours of shadowing an OT and the adviser was happy and cheering me on. I found a clinic that let me shadow an OT the day I walked in asking if it was okay. The whole time I shadowed I just loved it so much. I loved the kids, I loved seeing the sort of work I’d be doing with them someday, I was so excited. That night as soon as I finished I e-mailed the adviser and I didn’t hear back from him. The next day I e-mailed another account he had contacted me and I still didn’t hear back from him. So the day after, I texted him to be like “Hey, just curious if you got my e-mails” and he didn’t get back to me until the next day and he just asked if I turned in my form for the shadowing. I texted back saying I hadn’t been to the campus if that’s what he meant. Didn’t hear from him for the rest of the day. Day after he said I could scan it and e-mail it to him. I did that and texted him as soon as I did. Again, I didn’t hear from him until the next day, which was today. He said my interview date isn’t til mid March. But.. classes were supposed to start in March. I texted back asking if I still get to start in March, and he said only if an interview slot opens in February. I didn’t hear from him for a week (I just realized I messed up days, I only talked about 5 days, but it’s been 7). After all his promises of never having to wait for him, I was made to wait 5 days before he even got back to me. 6 days before he told me to e-mail my form to him. Now because of waiting on him, I may not be able to start my classes until November. If that happens… I could have been 7.5 – 8 months into my course by my next birthday. That’s almost halfway through the program. I’m just not sure what to do. All I can hope is maybe an interview slot will open in February so I can try to start in March still.
New topic, new color. Woo.
So today I went to the dentist for a toothache. The Dental Assistant took all these x-rays and pictures of my teeth, and pulled them up on the big screen. Now… I have known for 4-5 years that I have some dental issues. It’s totally genetic, my parents and grandpa and other people in my fam all have teeth issues. But sitting there, looking at all that was wrong with my teeth, hearing about new issues arising, etc… it feels like a mountain of work that needs to be done and there’s always something new being added to all that. So like… I’ve been jobless for 2 years. I don’t have any sort of insurance. I don’t have the means to take care of my teeth. I just sat there staring at it as they left to print up how much everything will cost and I started to cry. I feel like I’m trying to get the ball rolling on my life and something is always coming up. Like I posted the other day, I’ve been watching weight loss transformation videos and what not. I planned on getting up early this morning and go walk to the gym, but because of my toothache it hurt so bad just to walk through the house. The only thing that helped the pain was to cradle a warm towel over my jaw. As I sat there in the dentist office I started thinking about school, I was thinking about this 100 lbs I wanna lose, and I was looking at pics of my horrible teeth. On top of that I’m meeting my long distance boyfriend in mid Feb/early March and I really need a job to save up so I can get there and pay for my own hotel room and I REALLY want to lose as much weight as humanly possible before then.
I just… Everything feels so impossible. I lost my cool, to put it nicely, and I had an anxiety attack and a nervous breakdown at once. My arms and legs started shaking and I knew shiz was about to get real in that dentist chair. I started crying, I couldn’t stop shaking.. It was a hot mess. I really needed a hug and for someone to tell me I got this. Someone to believe in me more than I do.
Okay. I am less stressed out now. I’m finally able to start talking myself through it. I realized I need to just make small, realistic goals rather than thinking about achieving all these monumental things at once, ASAP. Any progress, no matter how small, is progress. Thankfully I was reminded of that just now. I was re-reading my post and I had originally put in that I needed to lose 150 lbs. Well… I decided losing that amount was the goal when I was about 280 lbs (because I was overreacting and thinking “I might as well round up to 300”). I’m 258 now. So… that means I’ve lost 20 lbs from my highest weight. I just keep thinking I’ve only lost 5lbs cos I went “Okay, now that I’m back at my normal weight, NOW I can begin trying to lose weight” when in reality I have already lost 20 lbs. So that was kinda cool to realize I wasn’t giving myself enough credit.
Also!! Today was supposed to be day one of the potato diet, but then dad made some amazing smelling soup and I couldn’t turn that down soooo today was day one of no sweets! And today was the first time I walked a full lap around the lake. So… woo! I am going to go watch netflix and try to just… decompress. Relax… and remind myself that just because my tooth doesn’t hurt right this second doesn’t mean I get to cancel my extraction appointment in the morning. Merf.
>.<;
Lissa Funny 